The events in the world have turned ugly. So ugly in fact that they’re beginning to change Christmas. Christmas to me is one of the best days of the year because it’s the one day where I have an excuse to do nothing, and I get rewarded for doing nothing with tons of free gifts.
So far, this Christmas there will be two changes made. First of all, Santa Claus will no longer say Ho Ho Ho [Merry Christmas] because it is offensive to women. Instead, he will say Ha Ha Ha [Merry Christmas], which is so fucking lame and stupid it makes absolutely no sense. Apparently, the word ho is offensive to a few select women who accuse Santa of using the slang word ho to refer to women as sluts.
Secondly, Santa will have to be on a diet because he has been accused of promoting unhealthy eating habits. I think it’s funny that we blame a guy who, since the beginning of time, was fat for promoting unhealthy eating habits whom we see only once a year, yet Ronald McDonald, a clown with an unhealthy (almost pedophilic) fascination with children, encourages them to eat fast food everyday after school. It just doesn’t make sense.
Anyhow, from now on, Santa will have to slim down before he plans to make a public appearance. This stupid idea that the whole population in the United States suffers from obesity has gotten so out of control that instead of blaming ourselves for eating junk food, playing video games, and not getting outside enough, we have to place the blame on a guy who brings happiness and joy to the world once a year on Christmas.
It makes me sick.
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