Thomas W.P. Slatin

Today I had to fly to Florida to get my dad out of the hospital and bring him home.  Recently, while on vacation, my father fell ill and was rushed to the emergency room where they amputated his little toe and treated him for a massive blood infection.  What started out as a simple 2-night trip to Florida from New York has ended up becoming an epic adventure.  Stay tuned for up to the moment details on this new adventure of sorts.

Thankfully I packed my digital video camera in an effort to create a documentary of sorts to share online in hopes of it becoming the next greatest video to hit the Internet.

Here’s what happened to me today…

• 7:00 AM - Woke up after getting only about 4 hours sleep.  Couldn’t sleep; power went out for half the night and I was cranky.  No electricity in my house = crankiness on my part.
• 8:00 AM - Left for Albany International Airport (Albany, New York, USA).
• 9:30 AM - Checked in, passed security, and waiting at gate for flight.
  • Around this time, I noticed two college students getting drunk at a bar inside the terminal.  I hoped that whatever flight they were on, I was not on the same flight as them.
• 11:48 AM - Departed Albany International Airport in bound to Philadelphia International Airport (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA).
  • The two college students ended up being on my flight.  Just like a story out of a Curious George book, there was a skinny college student and a fat college student.  When they boarded the plane, they were visibly intoxicated.  I could tell by their flushed faces, slurring of their words, and staggering around.  The flight attendant had to seat them in the front row on the airplane where they could be supervised as if they were children.  They acted like children, with the exception that they were saying things like fuck this and fuck that and what the fuck was that, etc.  Every sentence had at least one instance of the word fuck put in it somewhere.Our plane had to be sprayed with deicer as a precaution due to the winter weather in Upstate New York.  The skinny college student stood up and announced that he had a better solution to the deicing of the airplane.  He stood up from his seat and proposed deicing the airplane using his own deicer.  The flight attendant thought he was joking, but in his drunken stupor, he was being totally serious.  He then proceeded to loosen his belt buckle (he was planning on urinating on the outside of the plane to deice it).  The flight attendant, who was not amused responded simply, "that won’t be necessary," as she guided him back to his seat.  Five minutes later, as the plane was taking off on the runway, he again stood up and attempted to loosen his belt buckle.  He was immediately guided to the lavatory.  During take-off we hit some turbulence and he came crashing through the phone booth style door, breaking the locking mechanism on his way through.The flight attendant had enough.  She told both the fat and skinny college students that they were to remain seated until the airplane landed.  No exceptions.  Apparently she was not amused.  I was, but she had evidently lost her sense of humor by this point.
  • The fat college student demanded beer.  The flight attendant kindly reminded him that they don’t serve beer on airplanes, to which the skinny college student shouted fuck, we should have stayed at the bar and not gotten on the airplane.
• 1:11 PM - Arrived at Philadelphia International Airport.
  • The Philadelphia International Airport is an immense and difficult to navigate facility.  The crappy part of the airport is it’s design.  With a huge half-mile gap between one half of the gates and the other half, it really doesn’t make any sense at all.  Instead of having a tram service between the two halves (which would make sense), or having both halves combined into one big building (which would make all the sense in the world), the airport has acquired old city busses, the likes of which time has forgotten all about years ago.  You must find a designated terminal (there are signs EVERYWHERE for this designated terminal), walk outside next to planes whizzing by and airport traffic operators (who are not paying attention to where they’re going) and board old, broken-down, and halfway able busses.  About every 50 feet or so, there is a speed limit of 10 miles per hour posted.  Sometimes it’s on a sign, sometimes it’s painted onto the pavement, and I spotted at least two instances where it was both noted on a sign and on the pavement at the same time.  (As a writer, you need to notice the little things.)  The bus driver decided to ignore the posted speed limits and drove faster than he probably should have.  The reason for the 10 mile per hour limit became quite clear when he tried to stop the bus.  Another bus had broken down unexpectedly in the middle of the airport service road.  When the bus driver stomped on the brake, those of us in the back heard the ominous sound of metal grinding against metal.  Not much happened.  In a frenzy, the bus driver stomped on the brake pedal a few more times.  Thankfully (for the sake of his position as a bus driver at the airport), we stopped within a couple of inches of the other bus.I have to give the place credit for one innovation, however.  They have a moving sidewalk installed at their facility.  It’s modern technology that eventually lead to the concept of treadmills for exercise (which turned us into gerbils, kinda).  When you stand on one of these things, it’s like a big ass conveyor belt that moves people by the hundreds all at once.  It’s a testament not only to modern technological advances, but also to our laziness as a society where it has become most incontinent to get up and walk 200 feet after sitting down in an airplane for a couple of hours.
  • Needless to say, whether it’s good or bad, or right or wrong, I’d love to have one installed in my house.  The problem with that equation is that I have neither the need or space to put such a machine, nor the budget to do so to be able to afford a place large enough to need one or to even begin to purchase the machine itself.  Suddenly, taking trips across the country has one more perk — riding a moving sidewalk for FREE.
  • Apparently, it’s also the #1 rated airport to find a date.  I found this info while researching for this article.  Check it out:  http://travellersadvice.blogspot.com/2008/02/best-airports-to-find-dates.html

• 1:30 PM - Lunch Break
• I haven’t paid $15 for a cheeseburger, fries, and a Mountain Dew since I ate at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Damn you, airport restaurants!!!  Damn you to fast food hell!!!