Archive: 1988

Winter Is Here

  • December 10, 1988
Winter Is Here

December 10, 1988 Hey, there, Udo!-- Winter is here and the pool is full of leaves. I have to clean the filter once a day so the pool—sweep can do its job. Anybody tells you that retirement is easy, don’t believe it. In case you haven’t heard from John Herzog lately, he is learning his lines for "The Man Who Came To Dinner," in which he will play the homeowner whose house The Man occupies while recovering from his broken leg. John was offered The Man part, but declined for the following reasons: The Man appears in all scenes, and John didn’t want to memorize ten yards of dialogue;...

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Faithful Correspondent

  • December 3, 1988
Faithful Correspondent

Plaza Azul Productions Incorporated 2954 Plaza Azul Santa Fe, New Mexico 87505 ~ Offices Of The President And C.E.O. (505) 473-1954 December 3, 1988 Dear Faithful Correspondent, This is a form letter to notify you that I have every intention of responding to yours of recent date(s). A leaking rood, a play in progress, assorted legal nonsense, a fiscal crunch, a Quarterly S.F.C.T. Newsletter to prepare, an absolute deluge of invitations (none of which I can refuse) to cast parties, wrestling with a decision whether or not to resign from the S.F.C.T. Board of Directors out of sheer frustration,...

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The Only Way To Deal With Thomas

  • November 18, 1988
The Only Way To Deal With Thomas

Plaza Azul Productions Incorporated 2954 Plaza Azul Santa Fe, New Mexico 87505 ~ Offices Of The President and C.E.O. (505) 473-1954 November 18, 1988 Dear Tommy, Here is a scheme that is practically guaranteed to drive you crazy.  What I am trying to do is see how much information I can cram into the confines of a single page, using Condensed typeface and three columns. Thanks for the tip about formatting for professional appearance.  Next time I go two-column, I will heed your advice. YOUR ADVICE TO ME: I will also heed your advice about attempting any further communicating with...

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Klutzy Cousin Joe

  • November 4, 1988
Klutzy Cousin Joe

November 4, 1988 Hey, there, Udo!-- You will notice from the enclosed that your klutzy cousin Joe has blown it again.  First he tries to hide behind changing his name to Uddo.  Then he tries to make like he's moving to Florida to sell disinfectant, when all the time, it's obvious that he thinks he can take over Dial-A-Croc, which is making a nice piece of change laundering money for the Albanian cosa.  On the side Dial-A-Croc will still do a disposal job if the price is right.  Please tell Joe we know all about him and the word is out.  He might be the next "customer" for Dial-A-Croc...

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Valle Grande

  • October 29, 1988
Valle Grande

Plaza Azul Productions Incorporated 2954 PLAZA AZUL SANTE FE, NEW MEXICO 87505 ~ Offices of THE PRESIDENT and C.E.O. (505) 473-1954 October 29, 1988 Dear Tommy, I am experimenting with a two-column format, right justified, that I may use in my next issue of the Santa Fe Community Theatre Newsletter, of which I am Editor-in-Chief.  Let's see how it works. First, I must comment on the envelope in which your latest letter arrived.  It is the quintessence of slovenliness and is, I fear typical of the sort of with you do.  I have enclosed it so you can look it over at your leisure.  Please try to do better...

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How To Understand A Weather Report

  • October 12, 1988
How To Understand A Weather Report

October 12, 1988 Hey, there, Udo!-- Fall may be here at last.  We had summer temperatures all through September and this month up until now.  But today the sky is cloudy and the air is in the 50's.  All of which means--out here on the frontier--that we can start getting ready to go to Lake Tahoe once again for Christmas week.  Another example of the pioneering spirit that won the West. HOW TO UNDERSTAND A WEATHER REPORT In The Big Tomato The terms that describe the summer weather in Sacramento are not the same as those used in the effete East, where everybody gets "the vapors"...

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Hillzapoppin

  • September 27, 1988
Hillzapoppin

Plaza Azul Productions Incorporated 2954 Plaza Azul Santa Fe, New Mexico 87505 ~Offices Of The President And C.E.O. (505) 473-1954 September 27, 1988 Keep stickin' in them pins, Killer.  One of 'em may hit a vital spot.  Try for her kidneys.  One of 'em floats -- I forget which. All the Goddam deep freeze does is kill Goddam germs.  Soldering iron hot-foots only make her giggle.  Quit wasting my money on electric.  If you tried to charge for this service, I would put out a contract on you.  I'll "tell others of my business" when I got sumpin to tell 'em about.  Right now, all you got is a scary...

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Tossing Boxes Of Still-Unpackaged Belongings

  • September 10, 1988
Tossing Boxes Of Still-Unpackaged Belongings

September 10, 1988 Hey, there, Udo! The other day I was tossing boxes of still—unpacked belongings around my den——converted from half the garage——and these imperishable words came to mind: "Wan’ to buy a knife, Señor?" There it lay. I had uncovered the world-famous knife and hand—tooled sheath that made me the envy of all in The Forbidden City. Created from the blade of a mechanical hacksaw, and ground to razor sharpness, it is still untarnished, and the sheath as flexible as the day the cow turned her back on it.

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One Thin Dime

  • September 1, 1988
One Thin Dime

Plaza Azul Productions Incorporated 2954 PLAZA AZUL SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO 87505 ~ Offices of THE PRESIDENT and C.E.O. (505) 473-1954 September 1, 1988 Dear Tommy, I have abandoned the Condensed Bold typeface in favor of this one to conserve paper and ribbons. Your calculator is working perfectly, at least as regards addition and subtraction.  Ruth and Jeanne went off to Germany for six years, and Ruth visited me twice thereafter, both times at substantial cost to me in air fares.  The last time I saw her was when she was 14+, and the last time I heard from her was in late 1981,...

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Condensed Bold

  • August 12, 1988
Condensed Bold

Plaza Azul Productions Incorporated 2954 Plaza Azul Santa Fe, New Mexico 87505 ~ Office Of The President (505) 473-1954 August 12, 1988 Dear Tommy, I like the Condensed Bold, right justified style that you have adopted for your correspondence.  It looks very professional and is sort of easy to read.  You will note that I do not believe in dividing words; I am right into "Word Wrap," a mode that takes a word then goes past the right margin, moves it down to the next line, and then fills in the blanks when I issue the "Align" command.

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De Silva’s Book

  • August 6, 1988
De Silva’s Book

August 6, 1988 Hey, there, Udo! This is in response to three (3) of your letters.  That is, certain subjects in three of your last letters will be covered here because I did not have the time to cover them earlier, owing to the man killing pressures of retirement.

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Trial Balloon

  • August 1, 1988
Trial Balloon

FROM THE WORD-PROCESSING WORK STATION OF: John K. Herzog 2954 PLAZA AZUL SANTE FE, NEW MEXICO 87505 (505) 473-1954 (date) August 1, 1988 Dr. Harvey L. Slatin a/k/a Tommy Udo a/k/a Richard Widmark a/k/a J. Lester Slobboon Dear Sir or Madam, as the case may be: Consider this a trial baloon or a dry-run or a test-firing.  Fred C. Dobbs hints that you might be interested in corresponding, but that you are too timid to launch the first missive.  Maybe you are somebody else, because the Harv I knew was about as timid as Ed Meese.

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The Nomination

  • June 14, 1988
The Nomination

June 14, 1988 Hey, there, Udo!-- As promised, this letter is written upon our return from taking the pulse of the west from the Pacific to the Big Muddy (all in-depth analysts use appellations like that without embarrassment).  We are prepared to say that The American People are solidly behind you.  It is time to put an electro-chemist in the White House. Will you accept the nomination?  No press conferences will be called until your reply is received. Who will be your running mate?  (I am not interested, but would not mind being party treasurer.)  How about Semour Katkoff?  Or Arnold...

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Kaatskill Life

  • May 18, 1988
Kaatskill Life

May 18, 1988 Hey, there, Udo!-- Many thanks for the Kaatskill Life magazine.  Mary and I feel that we grew up in that area, and the names of the towns are all familiar.  It's like Old Home Week to read about them after all these years. So you and Peer de Silva worked hand in hand behind the scenes.  I'm glad I sent you that information about his book.  When you read it you can tell me how close to the truth he stuck.  Only you are in a position to know. He mentions in the book that his mother was Norwegian, which is apparently the reason for his incongruous first name.  All kinds of useful...

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Featherstonehaugh

  • February 8, 1988
Featherstonehaugh

Arthur S. Covert 112 Front Street Schenectady, NY 12305 February 8, 1988 Dear Doktor, I am listening to the Iowa results.  I have just decided that the only Democrat who says things I approve of wholeheartedly is Jesse Jackson.  I will vote for him in any New York primary.  But I am afraid I would be unhappy to be forced to vote for him as president.  I don't like Reverends, I don't think a black president could find people for his cabinet.  I guess I'm just a bigot.  But I'd vote for him against any Republican who has surfaced. As an exercise in Cloud Cuckooland I have read...

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