According to Snow White, 1 out of 7 dwarves isn’t happy.

I have a system for everything. I even have a system for pancakes. I make sure that the top pancake gets the same amount of butter and syrup as the bottom one.

Superman never made any money saving the world from Solomon Grundy.

Telemarketers are the ones that keep the HELL in hello.

As soon as humans successfully colonize Mars, it’s inevitable that someone will produce a reality television show.

Why is it that when we want something, it grows into an obsessive desire until we obtain it, at which point it no longer matters?

In Australia, people think that people from New Zealand are having sex with sheep. In America, people think that it’s people from West Virginia that are having sex with sheep. I think that the problem is that sheep are just sluts.

What if I was Romeo in black jeans? No seriously, what if I was…?

My biggest regrets in life all have one common theme — not telling certain people to FUCK OFF.