In Australia, people think that people from New Zealand are having sex with sheep. In America, people think that it’s people from West Virginia that are having sex with sheep. I think that the problem is that sheep are just sluts.

What if I was Romeo in black jeans? No seriously, what if I was…?

My biggest regrets in life all have one common theme — not telling certain people to FUCK OFF.

Whenever my father got into a disagreement with someone he would say, “do you know who I am?” Of course, he never told them who he was.

These signs make me think of a truck parked on a wedge of cheese.

Anyone who had the telephone number of 867-5309 was screwed when that song by Tommy Tutone came out.

If the Dalai Lama orders a pizza, he gets one with everything, but if he doesn’t have exact change, he won’t get that money back because change comes from within.

The best part of being an adult is being able to wear pajamas in the daytime.

One year for Christmas, my mom gifted me a magnetic poetry kit.  I was only able to generate one poem… I worship a goddess with beautiful pink breasts who swims in a sea of repulsive sausage