• Diary

    Meeting Mitch In New York City

    March 16, 2022 Today I took a trip to New York City to show Apartment 2 of my childhood home to a new tenant, [name withheld]. She is a wonderful woman, an actress from Holland, who is a friend to [name withheld] who have rented an upstairs apartment from me for many years. She immediately fell in love with the apartment and was more than happy to give me the asking price, and to my amazement, she signed the lease agreement on the spot! Later in the afternoon, I decided to meet up with my friend Mitch in Brooklyn. Mitch had some time to spare that afternoon, and the plan…

  • Diary

    Fame Itself Is A Cancer And Ego Its Seed

    January 31, 2022 No matter what I do, it seems that it seldom works out. On the rare occasion when it does, my triumph and success results in the jealousy of others who then seek to undermine and destroy that which I have accomplished. When I was a child, I was told that being different in some ways was a gift; I however, was different in every single way. I had my own unique way of doing things, especially when it came to writing. I was influenced by Allen Ginsberg, who mentored me, and inspired me to write in such a way that combined poetry and prose. Decades later, this…

  • Diary

    The Weight Of Being So Much More

    I have always been a little different my entire life. Reserved, grounded, wise, intelligent, and overwhelmingly female. I had a favorite tree in my parents back yard, and under it I would sit and write in my notebooks, often for hours at a time. And on many occasions, I would sit under the tree whenever I needed a good cry. And yet, life, as in time, is linear and perpetual, our decisions are based on taking chances. My family spent their lives telling me that I was perpetually making bad decisions and that I would amount to nothing, though one learns, even through bad decisions, and mastery is inevitable given…

  • Diary

    Only The Moon Understands The Beauty Of Love

    The last remaining hours of the year slowly ticked by as I watched the New Years Eve special on television, live from my home town of New York City. It seems that the winter, cold and bitter, and drearily silent, gives reason for one to think about the year, as once again one starts to draw picture-perfect maps of how their life and love will be for the year to come. I held Amelia through the night in such a way where only the moon understands the beauty of love. We gazed into each other’s eyes in the realization that I can still be who I need to be, the…

  • Diary

    There Is A Ceiling In The Darkness

    December 2, 2021 Last night I was plagued by nightmares in my sleep; recurring dreams in which I was dying through a series of tragic events. I spent the duration of yesterday thinking about my 22 year fire department career. Last night I as I lay awake, I realized that there is a ceiling in the darkness, and now is the time that I need to finally tell my story. These are the critical incidents I now think about, sometimes up to 10 minutes out of every day. The memories are always with me; they never go away, and time does not heal the wounds. Incident #1:When I was a…

  • Diary

    I Can Leave Behind A Heart

    October 8, 2021 The older I get, the more it seems that I lose. I have lost people near a dear, my possessions, and arguably, my faith. All I ever wanted my entire life was to feel comfortable in my own skin. To belong. To live authentically. To be free. I put the entire essence of my being into my work as a firefighter; a hero, a friend, a person whom others could count on in times of need. Sometimes I felt as if I were always on call. Years and years I roamed, through futile attempts to run away from myself, I ran out of places to run to.…

  • Diary

    Summoned To The Far Reaches Of My Mind

    Today I was summoned to the far reaches of my mind as I pondered all morning about what I was going to write, as the snow fell gently only to be carried away by a mocking easterly wind. I spent the last few days going through my old notebooks, in a futile attempt to gain solace in a book written pages, filled only with passages of days long ago, snapshots and memories much like a smoldering smoke of a fire that was left to coals. I have lived a life less ordinary, my experiences unique in fact, and yet, perhaps somewhere along the way, I neglected to document many of…

  • Diary

    Second-Guessing

    February 4, 2009 Today I’m second-guessing the plans I made in regards to my book. I’m still going to write it, of course even if my approach leads me in a different direction. To write a book one has to open up their heart and soul if they want to make it worth reading. Writing a list-based book of how-to’s has the potential to become a fascinating read, but as “A” told me today, I should try harder simply because I have a lot more potential that should never go to waste. It is better to write a book about a topic that you’re passionate about than to write a…

  • Diary

    My Moleskine Notebook

    November 3, 2008 My dear friend of 10+ years talked to me on my Skype for an hour and 45 minutes. “G” is an openly gay and borderline effeminate college best friend of mine who despite his busy schedule, always finds time to keep in touch. Not only has he enjoyed huge success in recent years, but he finally met the man of his dreams (“I”) whom he lives with in Ohio. During the course of our conversation, “G” brought back memories and remembrances of the good old days back when we were students at Marshall University. It’s sad to think of how I let the good times pass me…

  • Diary

    I’m A Dreamer

    All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams with open eyes, and make them come true. – D.H. Lawrence