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August 31, 1991
their, Hey, they’re, Udo!-— there, This issue was delayed because the front page had to be re- made in response to “developments.” We stay on top of all late— breaking stories. Keep your subscription current, so you won’t miss anything. Our readers are never caught off guard on talk shows or at cocktail parties. We give them all the answers.
Our last houseguest has departed. We need the rest. We are removing our names from the “Destination Of Choice” list that must have been circularized all over the U.S. without our knowledge. One problem with this popularity is that when they leave they all say, “Now you be sure to come and see us when you’re in our neighborhood.” Their “neighborhoods” are places like Flyspeck, North Dakota, or Feverswamp, Louisiana, where nobody goes except tourists who took the wrong turn. They’re safe. We still feel endangered. Our hands are shaking.
Daughter-in-law Carol had a baby boy, which was very sensibly named after me (and his father): William Gerard. This is an awesome responsibility, and I am not taking it lightly. I will write down a list of admonitions, the first being: stay out of the Army. The second: don’t study mechanical engineering. I don’t know if a third will be necessary. How do you feel about electro-chemistry?
We have had a “relatively” cool summer, which even The Bee was forced to admit a few days ago. (They hate to admit anything that compromises their courageous stand against water-users.) The weather is warming up again, but no “Death Valley” scenarios are forecast. Half of the reservoirs for Sacramento, in the Sierras, exceed last year’s levels. No word in The Bee. Their big problem is trying to spell Russian names, which they work around by simply using titles like “The First Deputy For Agriculture,” instead of Afanassy Sergeievitch Podzynadzhe, or whatever his name is. The Stile Manuel can’t help them. They pray for big sports stories, like the new long~jump record, which pushed Afanassy off the front page. Right out of the paper, in fact.
Will now speed this on its delayed way. Regards to Anne ano Thomas and, as usual, the whole gang at Osterhout’s Tavern.
CLARIFICATION: You and Anne and Thomas do not fall into the category of the houseguests mentioned above. When you are out here again, we welcome you. Just give dates so we can lay in supplies of K-rations, which you always devoured.
Fred C. (“Frazled”) Dobbs