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Plaza Azul Productions
2954 Plaza Azul
Santa Fe, New Mexico 87505
The President And C.E.O.
September 27, 1988
Keep stickin’ in them pins, Killer. One of ’em may hit a vital spot. Try for her kidneys. One of ’em floats — I forget which.
All the Goddam deep freeze does is kill Goddam germs. Soldering iron hot-foots only make her giggle. Quit wasting my money on electric. If you tried to charge for this service, I would put out a contract on you. I’ll “tell others of my business” when I got sumpin to tell ’em about. Right now, all you got is a scary name.
I invented “Hillzapoppin.” I wrote all the good lines. I adapted the work of Sir Arthur Sullivan, scoring it for the trombone, double-bass, alto saxophone, French horn, six violas and continuo. Nobody directed it — it simply happened. I was the star; you played a walk-on with lines. As I recall, all you could talk about was going to S-stock to break glass, and how to make the Perfect Martini.
There are three reasons for my being heavy artillery (“great guns,” as you put it) on stage, screen, radio and television. First, I have an immense talent and no modesty whatsoever. Second, I work my ass off at everything I do of a theatrical nature. And, third, I am a regular and generous contributor to the Santa Fe Community Theatre, in addition to being a Member of the Board of Directors, a Member of the Planning Committee, and Chairman of the Physical Plant Committee. I also edit the quarterly NEWSLETTER. Fame does not come easily, Tommy, as you (of all people) should know.
Have you caught my Country/Western video with Michael Martin Murphy on NBC, nationwide? Probably not. Have you caught either of my TV pieces for the Attorney General of New Mexico on false and misleading advertising? Probably not. Have you caught my interview with Pancho Epstein of Radio Station KLSK on the true meaning of Robert Anderson’s “YOU KNOW I CAN’T HEAR YOU WHEN THE WATER’S RUNNING?” Probably not. Have you caught any of the sixteen shows in which I have appeared, to rave reviews, at the Community Theatre? Probably not. Did you know that I have a plaque on my living room wall honoring my performance as “Best Actor In A Musical,” awarded by the Santa Fe Theatre Guild, for my portrayal of The Learned Judge in “TRIAL BY JURY?” Probably not. Did you know that I have a framed certificate of Appreciation, signed by the Mayor, for my voice-over narration of a presentation by The Clean Community System of the City of Santa Fe to more than 450 elementary school kids at fourteen assemblies? Probably not. Did you know that I got a headline in the Los Alamos Monitor for the job I did as Dick Deadeye in “H.M.S. PINAFORE” two years ago? Probably not.
Udo, if you want to claim all the credit for this illustrious and burgeoning career of mine, go for it. I know better. Why should I thank you? Why should I sent a contribution to THOMAS UDO ENTERPRISES? Fuck off, Tommy. Even if you were tax-exempt, the answer would be the same.
If Kiwanis fails you, you might try the Elks or the Eagles or the Moose Lodge in your area. Go to them with a proposition: “Hey, guys! Let’s put on a play! I got this friend who is big into plays, and he said he would help!” That is the best offer I can make AT THIS POINT IN TIME. Take it or leave it. Stamford awaits your decision.
I gather that Thomas is kin of yours. I sure hope you don’t call him “Junior.” Time was, many years ago, that I skated. I had a pair of Canadian Racers, and all the other kids had hockey skates. I detested hockey, as I detested (and still do) all contact sports. Once, I was flying around the perimeter of a hockey game in progress, and my razor-sharp blade slipped into a crack in the ice. It fucking near tore off my left leg. Then, much later, my ex-wife conned me into taking lessons in figure-skating. I went along. One night, when I was trying to examine the “eights” I had carved, I fell down and broke my left wrist. I have not been on skates since.
Fall has come to Stamford, and Winter has come to Santa Fe. There is snow on top of Truchas and Santa Fe Baldy, illuminated by Mars. Quite a sight, I kid you not.
Hang in there, Squire. You are only 2/3 acre-raker I know. Things in my life go on, more or less as anticipated. Any significant change, I will notify you.
Fondly, As Always,
John K. Herzog
President And C.E.O.