HLS - The Letters Of Harvey L. Slatin

April 7, 1989

Hey, they’re, Udo!–

THE ROCKEFELLER COLLEGE BBS WRITERS‘ CONFERENCE is a new term here in The Big Tomato. Your description is not all that illuminating, for The Main a simple Reason (as Penrod Scofield used to say) that the purpose of this organization is not clear. To put it less vaguely, the association of a network of modem nerds with Rockefeller College is puzzling. I thought the 2ockefeller establishment concerned itself with medical research low I find that they have you on retainer to modem the lowest prices at the local IGA for Dutch cleanser, and they modem back to you the lowest prices for muskmelons in The Big Apple.

What I think this really is, I think it’s supply-side marketing via modems, and the Rockefellers are subsidizing it, not realizing that they are being used. But after the way they misused standard oil, they owe you one. The Apple wants Dutch Cleanser, you want muskmelons, a market can be made. Modem Glasnost!

SPELLING! (Did yeu say ‘speleng’?) 1 write this with tear in my sincere brown eyes. sit down before you read this part Jdo, or I won’t be responsible for what happens.

The Bee is going to conduct a spelling bee. (See? I warned you. Lie down for fifteen minutes before you continue.) Yes, the innovative Sacramento Bee, originator of Tomato Spelling, plans not only to hold a spelling bee. but to have it judged by the editors: (Take another fifteen minutes to be on the safe side.) Soon after I read that news, Mary came rushing in and shouted, “what was that crash? Why are you lying on the floor like that. I held up the Metro section of the see, but was unable to speak. she understood at once. It has happened before.

What triggered it were several Tomato Spellings on the same page as the announcement of the spelling bee. a cyclist was ‘peddling’ his bicycle ‘passed the seen of the crime,’ shortly after it ‘happened.’ what must be understood is that at The flee, ‘their, they’re and there’ are alternate spellings for the some word, and whatever variation is used is simply 3 Judgment Call by the journalist whose story includes the word. That is the key to Tomato Spelling. ‘Pedaling’ and ‘peddling‘ have the same meaning, but one is just on older spelling form (probably British). Two other favorites are ‘phase’ and ‘faze,’ as in “The accused appeared unphased by the charges against him.” Another Judgment Call.

Thomas has a job at The Bee as soon as he finishes high school, “Have Auto-Spell, will Travel.” You don’t have Lo worry about his career. So just put that concern aside and go back to roar modem before the price of muskmelons is out or sight.

YES, I JEST about electro-chemical pursuits. but only in the sense that The Bee would write about them with characteristic opacity. The paper fancies itself a “metropolitan” daily. but its reporters ere all “general assignment“ types. who would other be writing about a woman who teaches turtles to talk than about electro-chemistry, even if you found I way to cure all medical ailments with a buffer solution. That would be on page 27, under a small head: “ELECTROCAL CEMIST CLAMES CURES.”

THE UTAH COLD-FUSION STORY, however, did appear in The Bee, but it was very carefully lifted from The New York Times, which as reporters who seen to understand what they are writing about. So we all await 120 volts of cold-fusion power in The Big T. Naturally, having worked on the Automatic Bomb, I understand all about the process. it’s an advance over nue-cue-lar fidgin, which I will try to explain.

Everything is made out or little things called atoms. Very small. In the center or any atom is the nue-oue-lus. In the nue-cue-lis there are even smaller things called particles. The spin around each other. Every particle has some kind or a name.

To make nua-cue-lar fidgin, you have to split the atom, which I’m sure you read about in The Reader’s Digest (right after that article on tho “One-Day Cure For Leprosy,“ by Paul De Kruif). Splitting the atom is actually getting the nue-cuu-lus to ‘fidge.‘ You do it like this. On the inside of any atom, th nylon rotates around the protein. What you do is shoot new trons at the nur-cue-lus. (Old trons are not strong enough.) These new trons hit the nylons like pool halls hitting each other. They knock the nylons off their tracks. As soon as that happens, the atom “splits.” Right away another atom splits. They imitate each other, like lemmings throwing themselves into the ocean. his is called nue-cue-lar fidgin.

But it’s actually “hot” nuc-cue-lar fidgin, which is not easy to make electricity out of. That’s why cold fusion is better. That should be obvious, There is a song that explains t better than I can:

Yew can’t see the ‘lec-yew-trieeity
A-comin‘ on the line!
But you know that it in there.
‘Cuz yew kin see it shine!

No reason your modem pale shouldn’t be able to understand that, especially if they understand bytes (which I don’t)

Thank you (and Anne) for the short course in Redware and Spongeware.  I have never seen those terms out here, but this is not the world capital of pottery.  (It’s the world capital of spelling.)

If Stamford is the world capital of donkey basketball, we can’t possibly catch up.

By the time you read this, we will be on a trip through Nevada, Arizona and Utah, to observe the situation and make a full report to The American People.  If you would like a copy, please send a photostat of your citizenship papers.

“…and as we paddle away into the setting sun, the natives wave us a fond farewell.”

Fred C. “The World From Your Easy Chair”) Dobbs

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