A Girl With Abstract Dreams

I have lived my entire life as a girl with abstract dreams and obscure fascinations. I live in color, dream in black and white, write in poetic prose, and speak in metaphors. My résumé paints a picture of a quintessential free spirit. To those who know me, I am an enigma.

Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?

Charles Bukowski

When I was born, the doctors labeled me a hermaphrodite. When I was a child, teachers called me an idiot. When I was a teenager, I knew that I was indeed different, and it was during this time in my life that therapists said that I was a child who was gifted. Now as an adult, it seems that I’m trying to recreate the feelings I had as a child, knowing full well and at the same time, denying myself the reality that I was never truly happy or comfortable until now.

Dreams are a curious thing; they live, change, and grow, and on occasion our abstract dreams morph into a tangible reality.

I have come to the realization that everything happens for a reason, though the reasons are seldom told. Sooner or later, one also realizes that the moments of our lives are often fleeting and if nothing else, we want nothing more than for those around us to know who we are. There were many times in my life when a stranger, friend, or loved one asked me who I am, and my responses have always been based solely on the classification of our relationship.

In my life I have been often referred to in both adjectives as well as with labels. I spent a lifetime trying in vain to assemble a list of attributes to best describe myself.1 In the absence of others, these notations are ghosts, and forgiveness for dismissing them as unnecessary isn’t needed anymore.

All I ever truly wanted my entire life was to grow up to be beautiful, happy, successful, and loved. All of these dreams have since come true and I have never felt so happy or healthy before.

1 Lesbian. Intersex. Lieutenant. Writer. Wife. Daughter. Woman. Female. Cisgender. Infertle. Photographer. Introvert.


  • Amelia Phoenix Desertsong

    My issue with turning my own dreams into reality mostly had to do with not having a clear vision of what I wanted to achieve. I was so often yanked in so many different directions by my own curiosity that I took on the role of “Jill of all trades, master of none.” Fortunately, I eventually gathered myself enough to dedicate myself to essay writing, but even now, I still drift back and forth between whatever topics happen to fancy my interest on that particular day, sometimes changing from one moment to the next. I’m so happy that you discovered photography from a relatively young age and were able to use that art as your focus, with your writing being a consistent companion and a compliment to the art you were putting out into the world. 🙂

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