I have lived my entire life as a girl with abstract dreams and obscure fascinations. I live in color, dream in black and white, write in poetic prose, and speak in metaphors. My résumé paints a picture of a quintessential free spirit. To those who know me, I am an enigma.
Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?Charles Bukowski
When I was born, the doctors labeled me a hermaphrodite. When I was a child, teachers called me an idiot. When I was a teenager, I knew that I was indeed different, and it was during this time in my life that therapists said that I was a child who was gifted. Now as an adult, it seems that I’m trying to recreate the feelings I had as a child, knowing full well and at the same time, denying myself the reality that I was never truly happy or comfortable until now.
Dreams are a curious thing; they live, change, and grow, and on occasion our abstract dreams morph into a tangible reality.
I have come to the realization that everything happens for a reason, though the reasons are seldom told. Sooner or later, one also realizes that the moments of our lives are often fleeting and if nothing else, we want nothing more than for those around us to know who we are. There were many times in my life when a stranger, friend, or loved one asked me who I am, and my responses have always been based solely on the classification of our relationship.
In my life I have been often referred to in both adjectives as well as with labels. I spent a lifetime trying in vain to assemble a list of attributes to best describe myself.1 In the absence of others, these notations are ghosts, and forgiveness for dismissing them as unnecessary isn’t needed anymore.
All I ever truly wanted my entire life was to grow up to be beautiful, happy, successful, and loved. All of these dreams have since come true and I have never felt so happy or healthy before.
1 Lesbian. Intersex. Lieutenant. Writer. Wife. Daughter. Woman. Female. Cisgender. Infertle. Photographer. Introvert.