All The Words That Never Left My Mouth

All the things I wished I had said have become all the words that never left my mouth. This short entry is the culmination of all the things I wished I had said when I said my last goodbyes to the life I left behind.

Whenever I think of the 1990’s, I’m reminded of summer camp and the emotions and memories that accompanied that experience. Attempting to capture an emotion, or the feelings of one’s heart is as futile and fleeting as if one were to place them into a box stored high upon a shelf. Feelings are not a person or a place, yet they often consist of all the little things that convince us to stay.

Loyalty was my Achilles heel, and in the decades since I was still involved with my old summer camp, I still made time to return whenever I could. I wish that I could have held onto the feelings that once kept all of us together, and we could return to the days before labels became the weapons that would eventually steal away the joy and cut me to the bone.

Oftentimes my thoughts and memories confound me like a bell in the night, pervasive and commanding in such a way that they commandeer my dreams. Leaving my past behind was the hardest thing I had to do in 2022. In some ways, I’m still recovering from the loss, even though letting go was my only option.

January 15, 2023