Almost 4 AM

April 9, 2022

This morning I rolled over, I tossed and turned, and couldn’t get back to sleep. It was almost 4 AM, and my mind was racing, filled with the thoughts of old days gone by, plans for the future, and everything in between.

I woke up to the sound of raindrops against my bedroom window; a storm had positioned itself on the horizon. It reminded me of my younger years, where, in my mind, it was always raining with a storm cloud hanging over me. That was then, this is now, and now is my time. Although I could not sleep last night, this morning I am thrilled to be alive.

I thought about the connectedness and the broken ties that used to bind, and the times when I felt as if there was nothing left, and it felt as if my only option was to drift away. At the time, I did not realize what my presence meant to those who have known me almost my entire life. I went back to where I grew up, only to have those people tell me, now decades later.

This morning I went outside and watched the rushing water of the river that runs through my property. The recklessness of water, and the ebb and flow, ever present. And in this moment, I am humbled and I am grounded. I am finally at peace with myself. Genuine. Happy. Authentic.

My mom is proud, my friends are proud, Amelia is proud. I want me. I want now. I am present, I am a creation of now, my time is now, and I don’t have much, but what I have means everything to me.