November 10, 2022
I have so many thoughts, but have lost my breath to say the words I need to speak. I’m left with only the pressured space between my ears to push them out through my mouth and into the open air of the world around me. My mind is an unstoppable machine, constantly churning out ideas which spill over the sides of my cranium onto every inch of surrounding my brain matter. But, I can’t find it in myself to give these things form and substance through articulation of thought and word.
It’s hard enough being a loner, and recently all of my life’s problems seem to be piling on top of me. This only gets harder when I feel like there’s nobody around to listen or care about what I’m going through. It’s frustrating when all I want is someone to listen or talk to, but aside from Amelia, I can’t find anyone. It feels like no matter how much I try, there is always something blocking my voice from coming out.
I spend my days writing down my thoughts, trying to take down the things in my head that need attention. I have lost all of my friends, and I feel as if nobody truly understands what I’m going through. Even if Amelia doesn’t fully understand everything about my situation, I know in my heart that she still cares and loves me.
It’s a feeling that’s very difficult to describe—it feels like something is in my throat and I can’t breathe because of it. Of course, I’m not actually choking on anything; it’s the result of an overabundance of thoughts and memories resurfacing when I least expect them. These moments of overwhelming remembrance make me feel nervous and anxious all day long, unable to focus on anything else other than the scenes in my own mind.
My heart is heavy with pain and sorrow. I know I am not alone in my sadness, as Amelia constantly reminds me, and it’s not a sign of weakness if I inevitably reach out for help from others. She constantly reminds me that it’s okay to take care of myself first before taking care of everyone else around me. I have to constantly remind myself that life is a marathon, not a sprint. Still, it takes time to turn things around again after going through hard times like these.