How I feel; three small words I ask myself too much, and as for everyone else around me, perhaps not enough. I feel as if I’ve lived my entire life making other people happy, pointlessly documenting my anguish, pain, disappointment, and dissatisfaction of a wasted life in a books written pages.
I thought my greatest achievement was publishing the details of my childhood, specifically naming those responsible for making it disastrous and filled with turmoil. But what did I get? Did I get revenge?
I realize now that I should have run away from the pain a long time ago, learning from the consequences of my misplaced trust and mistakes, that the past simply can’t be undone. The gift I have been given shouldn’t be wasted simply incessantly documenting my obscure sorrows for the world to read, even though doing so has become vogue in recent years and draws many curious readers.
The past is gone, and I must always remember this fact. There were good times and bad, triumphs and frustrations, love and heartbreak. There are many moments in my life I wished would have lasted longer than they did. Moments I wish I could have captured, to prolong, and mold, as if to make my childhood dreams and picture-perfect maps a reality. Childhood dreams don’t always come true, as the child who dreamed them is grown and many of those dreams may be lost, though never forgotten. I am older now and much more wise and focused than perhaps at any other time in my life, I have to make more plans and wishes for what I would like to see come true, though not to despair over plans which had to be postponed or modified in some way.
There are so many things I wish I had said to some of my closest friends, but didn’t. And yet there are a few things I want to say to those same friends to let them know how much their friendship has meant to me. But I haven’t, and there is a good chance that I won’t, for fear of being judged and/or losing the relationships. In life, we often neglect to say the things that need to be said, or to simply express how we feel. But is important to say those things that need to be said, before it’s too late.
All my life, I have been a little different. I didn’t always go where the other children went; I was never interested in sports or shallow team-building or get-to-know-you games. Instead, I was always and still remain, fascinated and drawn to intellectual pursuits, writing, photography, and personal reflection, this website being an extension and culmination of my passions and the things that fascinate me. I spent my childhood mostly indisposed, seeking my own entertainment and solitary pursuits such as exploring, building various mechanical and soldered electrical devices, and writing. I considered myself one of the lucky ones, as my parents supported my pursuits and would often give me the tools and materials in which to build the things I had designed often in my mind, while at the same time, many of my teachers hated me for being far too advanced for their taste.
In 1994, I read the book, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach, and it remains one of my most favorite books of all time, even to this day. One of the best quotes from the book said, “This is a test to see if your mission in this life is complete, if you are alive, it isn’t. And as for friendship, “Don’t be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.”
Though our life, love, and interpersonal relationships are often subject to constant and often unexpected change, the book literally changed my entire outlook on life. At times when I feel my focus might be amiss or going astray, I open the book to a random page and start reading.
In my life, I have seen many incredible things. I have seen a wide range of triumph, defeat, brilliance, and frustration. The choices I have made in my life have taken me to many different places, allowed me to experience so many different things. And yet even today I feel somewhat dissatisfied as if regardless of what I have seen, heard, felt, witnessed, or experienced, or even accomplished, it simply hasn’t been enough, and probably will never be.
I have a seemingly insatiable craving and desire for adventure, knowledge, and to see unbelievable things, and even possibly add them to my collection of curious artifacts. It has been so long since I have seen something truly amazing, even longer since I gazed upon something that I believed that nobody else has ever seen before, even if that thing was a tiny often overlooked facet of something much greater.
I suppose that there is no better time than now to let the next adventure in my life finally come to fruition, as my time is fleeting, it seems as if there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things I set out to do, once I find them, yet postponing them to a later date often results in their never being done, or simply done way too late as often happens.
When someone asks me those three small words, how I feel, it causes much introspection, far above and beyond the commonplace answer that is often given in popular parlance.
The header image was designed using Canva, and the fonts used are Coustard and Josefin Sans.
The photograph of me standing on a porch was taken in July of 1981, at 112 Front Street, Schenectady, New York, USA.
This post took some considerable time to write, as I was constantly sidetracked with other projects. I’d like to mention this discussion I’ve had recently on another blog post, which was instrumental in adding a few key points to the piece.
16: What I fear the most right now | Wasted Life | The Story Of My Life, And Other Ramblings | Poisoned By Fairy Tales | 6th Grade, And Other Mishaps | When Is It Time To Let Go | I Almost Dedicated My Life To Writing | For Fear Of Being Judged | I Used To Write In Riddles And I Used To Write In Rhymes