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I woke up early from a restful nights sleep on this ordinary Tuesday morning. I couldn’t stop thinking about my childhood, and how I always dreamed that one day I would run away. But instead, I stayed, and I suffered through a series of traumatic experiences, when I probably would have been better off leaving and never coming back. Life is full of questions and it’s tearing me apart, as I spend the majority of my time methodically questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life, as the minutes slowly turn into hours. I simply can’t let go of the past, even decades later I’m haunted by the thoughts and memories which always seem to commandeer my mind.
Drew Gerald once said, “you only struggle because you’re ready to grow but aren’t willing to let go.”
Growing up was easy, predictable, and inevitable. Letting go seems to be the hardest part.
I often wonder if some day I will let go, but I know that right now, I’m not ready. I thought about publishing the truth which I held on to for so long, but what would I get? Would I get revenge or would the memories, then made permanent and immortalized cause me more trauma? I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find a way to forgive.
A new year has finally begun; it seems as if December is the time we talk about the past year, while January seems to be the time when one embarks on a new journey as if this time around we will finally achieve our New year’s resolutions. While in recent years I settled for cliche resolutions, this year was different. Instead of resolving to lose weight, make more money, or any other seemingly useless resolutions, I decided that I should pursue happiness by putting myself first more often instead of devoting my life to the needs of others while at the same time, forgoing my own. In a sense, I simply care too much and dive too deep.
Now that I have decided to limit myself of this unhealthy habit of devoting my emotional wellbeing to that of others, without consideration nor expectation of reciprocity, it feels almost as if I’ve somehow lost a part of myself, and if it is indeed so, I’ll just keep the rest of me.