Writing

Life Is Full Of Questions And It’s Tearing Me Apart

  • February 2, 2020

I woke up early from a restful nights sleep on this ordinary Tuesday morning. I couldn’t stop thinking about my childhood, and how I always dreamed that one day I would run away. But instead, I stayed, and I suffered through a series of traumatic experiences, when I probably would have been better off leaving and never coming back. Life is full of questions and it’s tearing me apart, as I spend the majority of my time methodically questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life, as the minutes slowly turn into hours. I simply can’t let go of the past, even decades later I’m haunted by the thoughts and memories which always seem to commandeer my mind.

Drew Gerald once said, “you only struggle because you’re ready to grow but aren’t willing to let go.”

Growing up was easy, predictable, and inevitable. Letting go seems to be the hardest part.

I often wonder if some day I will let go, but I know that right now, I’m not ready. I thought about publishing the truth which I held on to for so long, but what would I get? Would I get revenge or would the memories, then made permanent and immortalized cause me more trauma? I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find a way to forgive.

A new year has finally begun; it seems as if December is the time we talk about the past year, while January seems to be the time when one embarks on a new journey as if this time around we will finally achieve our New year’s resolutions. While in recent years I settled for cliche resolutions, this year was different. Instead of resolving to lose weight, make more money, or any other seemingly useless resolutions, I decided that I should pursue happiness by putting myself first more often instead of devoting my life to the needs of others while at the same time, forgoing my own. In a sense, I simply care too much and dive too deep.

Now that I have decided to limit myself of this unhealthy habit of devoting my emotional wellbeing to that of others, without consideration nor expectation of reciprocity, it feels almost as if I’ve somehow lost a part of myself, and if it is indeed so, I’ll just keep the rest of me.

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15 Comments on Life Is Full Of Questions And It’s Tearing Me Apart

  • Segun OGUNYEMI says:
    February 6, 2020 at 7:24 AM

    Life is a mystery and full of many unanswered questions. Lovely piece, Tom

    Reply

  • Rence says:
    February 6, 2020 at 4:41 AM

    Life itself is a big question mark. Just live your life according to your principles and beliefs.

    Reply

  • Prince says:
    February 6, 2020 at 3:33 AM

    Atimes you careless about what others thing about you, you know yourself better so dont let it pull you down. Also if you face any trauma, make sure you treat it and seek professional help

    Reply

  • Oyeyipo Oladele says:
    February 6, 2020 at 2:28 AM

    Every good and new year has virtually good plans in them. The life itself is a question which is mystery and no one can give a satisfactory answer to.

    Reply

  • iamdahmmy says:
    February 6, 2020 at 2:03 AM

    Life is indeed full of questions and mysteries we can’t understand,answer and unravel.we will just keep gasping in the darkness of our ignorance. For me, I resolved that I will make myself happy this year and care less about those that don’t think much of me..nice write up tom

    Reply

  • David Mureithi says:
    February 6, 2020 at 1:48 AM

    They say that change changes people. It is good to let go of the past.

    Reply

  • jolly555 says:
    February 6, 2020 at 1:18 AM

    I hate traumatic experiences because though time keep ticking away but we can’t tend to move past it. We think about it and keep being traumatized, letting go isn’t easy at all.

    Reply

  • David Tjoe says:
    February 6, 2020 at 12:58 AM

    For me personally, most questions never seem to find the answer. And I have also never tried to find these answers from others, because in the end “Faith” and “Believe”, that is always the reason for their answers.

    Reply

  • sebasgomes says:
    February 6, 2020 at 12:53 AM

    It is sad to remember the past, when it has been through traumas that mark it forever, but the present is what matters, if you do not change who you are today, and concentrate on the present, you will never change the past.

    Reply

  • Glad says:
    February 6, 2020 at 12:32 AM

    So true, life is full of questions. We ask sometimes why things happen or why they don’t happen. At times we just have to settle with what life dishing out, but in all we have to aim for inner peace and joy.

    Reply

  • Janine Bocateja says:
    February 5, 2020 at 10:21 PM

    I lost my Mom at a very young age ( 6 years old ) and now that I am 27 years old. A lot of questions come up to me and it’s always making me sad. There’s a lot of what if and why not. I just need more motivation from people.

    Reply

  • miakayuuki2012 says:
    February 5, 2020 at 9:45 PM

    Life will always have a lot of questions. Most do not have answers some do. To me though what matters is asking the right questions, Ones that will hopefully lead for something better. As they say asking questions lead to learning.

    Reply

  • Meldred Judith says:
    February 5, 2020 at 8:43 PM

    There will always be questions. There will always be challenges until we learn our lesson.

    Reply

  • joynb says:
    February 5, 2020 at 8:14 PM

    Personally, there is nothing wrong in having a life that’s full of questions. The moment we stop asking even the most mundane of things is the moment that we no longer have a care in this world. It is okay to be sad, discouraged, frustrated, and anxious from time to time. It is, after all, what makes us humans.

    Reply

  • Wilson Jake says:
    February 5, 2020 at 7:23 PM

    Having decided to pursue happiness by putting yourself first more often instead of devoting your life to the needs of others is the first step to success. I will like you to also know that what you cant give yourself, no one will ever give you. Lovely piece Thomas

    Reply

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