On My Horizon

Today marks a turning point in my life, on my horizon is a moment that feels both liberating and profound. After years of carrying the weight of my past, encapsulated in the worn pages of my old diary, I’ve made a decision that feels like a bold step into a new chapter. My diary, filled with painful memories and trauma from both my job and personal life, has been my silent companion through the darkest of times. Yet, today, I decided to let it go, to release the hold it has had on me. In a symbolic gesture of moving forward, I chose to burn my old diary.

The decision wasn’t made lightly. Every page of that diary held a piece of me, fragments of my life that shaped who I am today. It was an acknowledgement of my incredible resilience, a record of my struggles and victories, my deepest fears, and my moments of despair. But it also was a constant reminder of a past I no longer wish to carry into my future. Letting it go meant I was ready to heal, to embrace the person I’ve become, and to look forward with hope rather than backward with regret.

As I watched the flames consume the pages, a sense of peace washed over me. It felt as if I was burning away the chains of my past, allowing my spirit to soar free. This act of letting go was not about forgetting my past but about giving myself permission to heal and to write a new story, one that I choose with intention.

In place of my old diary, I’ve decided to begin a new one. However, this won’t be just any diary. It will be a diary/common book hybrid, a place where I can not only record my daily thoughts and experiences but also collect quotes, poems, and pieces of wisdom that inspire me. This new diary will be a reflection of my journey of growth, a tool for self-reflection, and a treasure trove of inspiration and knowledge.

As I stand on the threshold of a new chapter, the anticipation of embarking on a literary adventure unlike any other I’ve undertaken before fills me with an exhilarating blend of excitement and trepidation. It’s a decision that feels akin to standing at the edge of a cliff, preparing to dive into the unknown depths of a sea, whose currents and mysteries are as daunting as they are enticing. I’ve decided to turn the pages of my life into an open book—quite literally—as I embark on the journey of publishing my diary entries.

This isn’t just any diary, nor will it be a typical publication. My vision is for it to evolve into a collection where the personal and the universal intertwine, where the intimate musings of daily life meet the expansive reflections on the world around us. It’s a space where the private self meets the public eye, where vulnerability meets strength, and where the quiet moments of introspection meet the loud, often chaotic, dialogues of society.

I have always been a little different my entire life. Reserved, grounded, wise, intelligent, and overwhelmingly female. I had a favorite tree in my parents back yard, and under it I would sit and write in my notebooks, often for hours at a time.

Thomas Slatin, The Weight Of Being So Much More

But who am I, really? This question isn’t just a whisper in the quiet of the night; it’s a roar in the cacophony of day-to-day existence. In choosing to publish my diary, I’m not just deciding to share my life’s narrative; I’m embarking on a journey of self-discovery. Who am I, when the pen meets paper? Who am I, when the thoughts that dance in the hidden corners of my mind find their way into the light? Who am I, when the private musings and the shared experiences converge in a single narrative thread?

In navigating modern society, I’ve observed a pervasive and unsettling tendency: the eagerness to affix labels to individuals as a simplistic method to categorize and articulate the complex narratives of one’s life. Among the myriad of topics that stir conversation and controversy, in recent years, gender has emerged as a particularly contentious arena in contemporary discourse. Within this dialogue, the terms that delineate my own sexuality—queer, lesbian, female—serve as markers of identity. Yet, these labels, while providing a language for expression and understanding, also present a conundrum. They offer a semblance of clarity and community, yet simultaneously risk reducing the rich diversity of individual experience to mere descriptors. This paradox underscores a deeper yearning for recognition beyond the confines of prescribed identities, inviting a reflection on the essence of self beyond the realm of societal categorizations.

This hybrid diary/common is a quest. A quest to understand myself, to explore the depths of my own identity, and to question the very essence of who I am. Through this process, I hope not only to uncover layers of my own being but also to connect with others on a level that transcends the mere act of reading. It’s an invitation to journey together, to explore the facets of our individual and collective identities, and to discover the intricacies that make us who we are.

As I stand on the cusp of this new literary adventure, I am filled with a sense of purpose and a desire to explore the uncharted territories of the self. The decision to publish my diary entries is more than a commitment to transparency; it’s a commitment to authenticity, to exploration, and, ultimately, to understanding.

My vision for this new diary is not just for it to be a personal documentation, but also a legacy I leave behind. I wish for my diaries to be preserved for posterity when I die. I hope that they will serve as a reminder of the resilience of the human spirit, the power of healing, and the beauty of difference. It’s a wish for my experiences, thoughts, and reflections to inspire others, to offer comfort in knowing they are not alone in their struggles, and to provide insights into a life lived with intention and courage.

This new beginning is a promise to myself to live more fully, to embrace both the light and the shadow with grace, and to document the journey with honesty and openness. As I embark on this path with a fresh diary in hand, I’m filled with a sense of excitement for the unknown adventures that lie ahead. The pages before me are blank, ready to be filled with new stories, learnings, and reflections.

Today is more than just a turning point; it’s a declaration of my commitment to myself, to healing, and to living a life that’s true to who I am and who I aspire to be. It’s a step toward a future where I am no longer defined by my past but inspired by the potential of my present and future. Here’s to new beginnings, to the power of change, and to the beautiful journey of life that unfolds one page at a time.

March 15, 2024