Lately I’ve found that there’s a longing to visit locations and friends from my past. Locations and friends that not only helped raise me but also made me realize that there is so much more I could be. Tattoos and memories, integral to my development and well being, of which I held so near and dear to my heart. I sought solace in believing that they would always be there, the same ways in which they live in my memory; flawless, eternal and almost god-like until finally I realize that these friends are human and the locations are physical. All of this was nothing more than an idealist fantasy, made believable through my own childhood ignorance, denial, and wishful thinking
I have learned through experience that very few, if anything at all ever stays the same. Locations will change, buildings decay or are reduced to rubble and taken away, childhood is a mere blink of an eye, and it isn’t until adulthood that one realizes this fact and regrets putting aside certain childhood experiences in the hopes that one still had plenty of time. There isn’t anything which time hasn’t touched, and this past year I made a genuine effort to meet up with old friends and visit the places where I used to roam as a child.
I came to realize that one can become addicted to a certain kind of sadness. For me, it is a certain form of sadness which results from loss. The loss of an old friend, the loss of an irreplaceable possession, or the loss of a location where one had many positive childhood experiences. Experiences, accomplishments, and accolades turn bittersweet all too soon, filling our minds and parlance with stories of days gone by, almost reminiscent of old times, resurrected as if the past were suddenly somehow superior to present.
And then there are regrets. From a very young age, I had regrets, coupled with the classic and typical, trivial and mundane, fears of childhood. There are so many things I wished I could have done, things I should have done, and perhaps a few things that I should never have done. But it’s too late now to change the past; all I can do at this point is to say that I’m sorry for everything I have done in my past which was wrong, was a mistake on my part, or worst of all, hurt someone in some way.
“People sometimes ask me if I could start my life over again, would I have done things differently? Truth is, if I could do it all again, I would have changed it all.”Thomas Slatin
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Not Taking Enough Pictures Is Something I Regret | Will The Memories Die? | Snapshots And Memories And Days Of My Youth | I Used To Be A Habitual Trespasser | Some Ways To Help Deal With Loss | Fears And Regrets | Chasing Cars