• Diary

    I Want To Live, Not Simply Exist

    Today is the day that I finally decided to make some more changes in my life. I want to live, not simply exist; I’m still full of life, feel young and free, and despite being in my 40’s, I’m forever young at heart. Since I met Amelia in 2020, I somehow managed to go through four laptop computers and two desktop ones. Today was the day that I finally decided to give away my old PC desktop computer and buy a brand new MacBook Pro. I have decided that with the time still left, I need to be creative and share my gift of writing and photography. January 31, 2023

  • Diary

    In A Sea Full Of Oysters, I Finally Found My Pearl

    Today I went to visit my mom for the day, and returned to the house where I had spent the majority of my childhood. My mom took me to lunch at my friends restaurant. When we walked in, we were seated immediately, though nobody from my home town seemed to recognize me. My friend who owned the restaurant asked me if I was okay, as she hadn’t seen me post any recent updates on Facebook. I explained that yes, I was doing just fine and that she wouldn’t see any status updates as I had deleted my social media awhile ago. She could see the pain in my eyes and…

  • Diary

    All The Words That Never Left My Mouth

    All the things I wished I had said have become all the words that never left my mouth. This short entry is the culmination of all the things I wished I had said when I said my last goodbyes to the life I left behind. Whenever I think of the 1990’s, I’m reminded of summer camp and the emotions and memories that accompanied that experience. Attempting to capture an emotion, or the feelings of one’s heart is as futile and fleeting as if one were to place them into a box stored high upon a shelf. Feelings are not a person or a place, yet they often consist of all…

  • Diary

    Summer Camp And The Breakup Playlist

    Today I thought about the time when my relationship with Angie was nearing the end, and I returned to my old summer camp in search of solace. I spent a week at my old summer camp, wandering around remembering the ghosts of what once was, and yet it now feels like a lifetime ago in some forgotten dream. Nostalgia is the overwhelming desire to return to the way things used to be, yet refusing to acknowledge the fact that things will never be the same as they were, and our memories are often jaded. Life is beautiful it seems, when I am lost in my own reverie, yet I often…

  • Diary

    An Old Friend’s Question: Would I Ever Return To Firefighting?

    An old friend called me and asked, “would you ever return to firefighting?” To which I replied, “that all depends on what you have in mind”. He clarified that he wanted me to come back and fight fires with him again. He was referring to the way things used to be, and how we had a lot of fun together. I told him, “the way things used to be weren’t the way things are now, and perhaps they never will be.” “I just wanted to know”, he said, asking me again, “would you ever consider coming back to fighting fires?” I thought about it for a moment, and then I…

  • Diary

    I Have So Many Thoughts, But Have Lost My Breath To Say The Words I Need To Speak

    November 10, 2022 I have so many thoughts, but have lost my breath to say the words I need to speak. I’m left with only the pressured space between my ears to push them out through my mouth and into the open air of the world around me. My mind is an unstoppable machine, constantly churning out ideas which spill over the sides of my cranium onto every inch of surrounding my brain matter. But, I can’t find it in myself to give these things form and substance through articulation of thought and word. It’s hard enough being a loner, and recently all of my life’s problems seem to be…

  • Diary

    Summer Camp And The Rites Of Passage

    November 6, 2022 These past few days, my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts and memories of my time at summer camp. It was a time of firsts in my life; at summer camp was the first time I felt at home, where I had my first kiss, and eventually, when I held my first job. My first year at summer camp was 1991, and my last year was 2000. Everyone who made it through camp signed their name on a door in the living room of the Heights Cabin after completing a summer in Wilderness. This was an important step because it showed you were part of something bigger…

  • Diary

    The Doctors Laughed At My Body

    October 27, 2022 The doctor and his assistant looked at my body and they laughed. They said they had never seen anything like it before, but that’s because it is a rarity. It is a rarity to be born with internal female reproductive organs, while also having genitalia that would typically be considered that of a male. The doctor was primarily interested in examining my breasts and my genitalia. Most doctors I’ve seen have historically approached their exams and questions in similar fashion. The doctor barely listened to my concerns, let alone how I identified from a gender standpoint. He was just looking to see if I had a vagina,…

  • Diary

    Nearly 4 AM

    October 23, 2022, Nearly 4 AM I have lost my friends, my family, and almost everyone I thought I knew. But I can’t let myself get caught up in the past because it’ll only bring more pain and sorrow to my heart. Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new beginnings and new possibilities; if I want them to happen, that is. It’s nearly 4 AM; the darkness of the night engulfs me, and I am lost in its embrace. I am alone in the night, surrounded by shadows that try their best to envelop me with their dreary arms. Yet despite how much they try, they will…